NBC – You see all kinds of things on Bourbon Street during carnival, including people in costume. But what you don’t typically see is a woman in a pirate costume with four live monkeys—also dressed as pirates. “We were dressing up for the Mardi Gras and we dress up as pirates,” said Joan Newberger, the monkeys’ owner. The 64-year-old has been diagnosed by several doctors with a form of autism, according to her caretaker, James Poole. Joan says they are her service monkeys that help her with everyday tasks, like bathing. “I can’t vacuum, I can’t be in water. I don’t, none of that,” Joan said. Maria Davidson, with Wildlife and Fisheries, explained out things appeared to her and the other agents. “What we found was a couple that was, I don’t know what you would call them, street vendors, street performers or whatever,” Davidson said. “They were in costume with four monkeys. The monkeys were in costume.” Officials said the monkeys were only being fed baby food and fruit juice, and had diarrhea when they were first confiscated. Joan claimed the primates were simply in shock over the separation from her.
Fuckin’ autism. Always wanted it. You know what autistic people do? Formulate E= mc2 & create Microsoft Windows. You know what else? They teach monkeys to don Blackbeard attire, run a Hoover and dole out sponge baths while living off of Gerber & Hi-C. I love monkeys. I hate chores. I’m indifferent on getting washed by pirates. I’m also normal, so none of that matters. All I’ll ever get to do is blog about how wonderful life would be if I were autistic and had primates get the Hershey squirts when they missed me. It sucks. Guess I’ll put my own dishes in the dishwasher myself now. Fuckin’ autism.