[TC Palm] A 24-year-old woman told a deputy her husband hit her in the face with a peanut butter sandwich — a lunch staple of kindergarten students nationwide — during an argument over money, according to a recently released report. After a Martin County Sheriff’s deputy arrived June 10, the woman “still had some peanut butter on the side of her face and in her hair,” the report states. The woman said she and her 26-year-old spouse got in a dispute over money during which he “struck her with a peanut butter sandwich in the face,” the report states. The report didn’t specify whether the peanut butter was creamy, crunchy or extra crunchy, nor did it state whether the bread was white, wheat, whole grain, cinnamon raisin, a baguette, pan de Cuba, challah, sourdough, a bagel, a bun, gluten-free or naan. The woman notified authorities because she was afraid things could get more violent as the argument got heated. The husband, however, told deputies his wife struck him. No one reported being injured or complained of pain. Citing a lack of independent witnesses and conflicting accounts, investigators made no arrests. The husband left the home for the day.
This better not have been Jif. Anyone who thinks there’s a peanut butter better than Jif can go hang yourselves right now. Therefore, Jif on your wife’s face is a complete and utter waste. So I’m gonna tackle this as if we’re dealing with a reasonable man who knows better than to waste what choosy moms choose. I 100% see something like this happening in my future. I eat a lot of PB sandwiches, so I’m frequently armed. I also subscribe to the ‘don’t hit broads’ rule, and I don’t believe pasting a PB sandwich to a chick’s cheek in the midst of an argument constitutes domestic violence. You can get the job done by releasing the bread about 6 inches or so before hand meets grill, so if you’re not making contact you’re in the clear. Quite frankly, I think this is better than an actual bitch slap. It’s gotta put the confrontation to bed for the time being, right? I mean are you really gonna continue nagging the shit out of me with a piece of whole wheat slowly sliding down your mug? If you are, then I suppose recording it on my Droid won’t matter either.