[Des Moines] Tim Tebow did his best Flat Stanley impression at the Kingsley-Pierson High School prom Saturday night. A homemade cardboard visage of the former Heisman Trophy winner and NFL quarterback appeared on the arm of senior Rachel Bird, a basketball player and cheerleader bound for Northwestern College in Orange City come fall. Bird was dateless for the spring rite of passage. She sent Tebow a message via Twitter, a social media network that allows people to share 140-character posts. She invited Tebow to prom as her date. A devout Lutheran, Bird likes Tebow’s faith-on-his-sleeve approach to life and his football skills, and “he’s not bad looking, either,” she said. “I didn’t expect anything. He must get 100 requests a minute.” Bird never heard from Tebow. She shrugged off mild disappointment and put Tebow out of her mind. She decided to attend prom with a group of friends. But as the days grew closer, Bird started to feel like a third wheel. Her friends had dates, and she didn’t want to be the only girl at the table alone. Rachel Bird floated an idea: What if she took a Tim Tebow standee — a cardboard cutout of the popular quarterback? Friends laughed and encouraged her. Everybody thought it would be funny. Her mom blanched a bit, though. “We didn’t want her to be embarrassed,” Carol Bird said. Rachel Bird abandoned the plan. Then prom Saturday arrived. She decided Tebow was going to be her date — even if he was only a quarter-inch thick. Rachel Bird already had picked up a photo of a dressed-up Tebow. She paid $20 to get it life-sized. Bob Bird even loaned Flat Tebow some cologne. “The piece of cardboard we found smelled strongly of wood glue,” Rachel Bird said. “We sprayed a little on him to kind of hide that.” Flat Tebow might have been made of paper and cardboard, but he was anything but a stiff at the prom. Girls wanted to dance with him. Boys got their picture taken with him. “I think more people took their picture with Tim than they did with me,” Bird said. Most of all, though, everybody laughed. “It was so much fun,” Bird said. “I don’t regret it at all.”
A cute chick with a devout Lutheran lock on her clam couldn’t get a date to her senior prom? That’s so weird. Seriously, Rachel, the only dude that’s gonna put up with being paraded around your annoying friends & posing for pictures all night without the prospect of pussy on the table might as well be made of cardboard because they don’t exist. But I’m not here to knock your ingenuity, I’m here to spread the word. Broads need to do this more often. Let’s look at it logically. What do women want? All the attention. What do men want? Not to have to get dressed up and go to your stupid functions. Seems like the solution for everyone is a cardboard Tim Tebow. Rachel tested this in a real-life environment and look what happened? She was a hit. She wasn’t sitting at the table with an actual disinterested male who’s only trying to broker a deal to get laid all night. She and her paper date were leading the conga line with everyone on board. I need to get my chick one of these. Honestly, sweetheart, you really want me to go to that wedding next month? You’re looking forward to me making fun of your fat friends and refusing to get up & dance all night? Yeah, me neither. Just bring Tebow. He’s down for whatever. I’ll stay home and watch the game instead of keeping a tally of how many times I thought about killing myself. Everybody wins.