This Website’s Content Is Suspect, But The Design Theme Is Outstanding

Posted: May 22 @ 10:00am by Cracker in Bolivian
Tags: , ,

So I’ve recently found out that someone has stolen intoBOLIVIAN’s cutting edge webdesign and is running some insane survivalist blog, that looks exactly like the IB we all know and love. Unlike IB, it contains all sorts of tips that will help you survive the imminent collapse of civilization. And since I’m pretty sure that visiting this website from your own computer will get your name on some sort of government watch list, here are some useful highlights:

“If you’ve come across this page, then chances are pretty good that you already know what a bug out bag is, and you probably know why you need to always have a bug out bag ready to go.”

What the hell is a “bug out bag”? Well apparently it’s a bag  for TEOTWAWKI…basically you need water, food, a tent and lots of guns and knives. Wait, what the fuck is TEOTWAWKI!? Oh, just the end of the world as we know it, in survivalist jargon. And as far as guns go, don’t waste your time with anything useful like a hunting rifle or a shotgun, nah you’re gonna want to go with a fully customized AR15 and a pair of 9mm handguns. But what about knives; what kind of knife is best? Well, this contributor sums it up best:

“Make shur its a steardy knife ive seen a few sanp in half before”  

Ever lived in fear of being killed by a volcano? Me neither, but this guy has:

“Volcanoes are an imminent natural disaster just waiting to happen…The U.S. alone is home to 50 active volcanoes, providing us with a menacing outlook on the likelihood of their eruption.”

OK, so maybe I was wrong about not living in fear of volcanoes. You were right, I was wrong and a fucking volcano is something I should be worried about. Say, what if I get thirsty when I’m running away from lava and ashes and shit?

“Let’s say that you are thirsty around a volcano and are looking for a source of water. You see a pool of water near an active crater and think maybe it’s safe to drink. Think again! The noxious gases that are emitted by the volcano make the rain turn to acid, making the water hazardous.”now that is good advice!

A couple of my other favorite pieces of advice from Survival Blog is the Bug Out and Bug In weekends for families. Basically for the Bug Out weekend, you wake your children in the middle of the night, tell them that the Chinese have invaded and that they have 5 minutes to get the fuck outta Dodge. Then you live in the woods for a few days and explain that Daddy isn’t crazy, just crazy prepared.

But my personal favorite is the Bug In weekend. You shut off the electricity and water to your house. Tell the kids that Muslim terrorists have bombed the power plant and that you will now be living off the grid for a while. Then take turns keeping watch over the homestead with an assault rifle. It helps to practice what you and your wife are going to tell the school counselor about why your 6 year old is suffering from PTSD. 

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Comments
  1. Andy says:

    Holy crap, absolutely hilarious. I seriously couldn’t stop laughing! Your blog is awesome lol

  2. Cracker says:

    Thanks Andy, you guys are good sports.

  3. Doomsday Doug says:

    Can’t help feeling this post is missing this song:

  4. Anon says:

    An AR-15 is the most useful “hunting” and defensive rifle known to man… thats why so many people use it. And 9mm is the most common and plentiful handgun caliber also known to man… get your facts right!

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