[Daily Journal] Former San Francisco 49ers and Oakland Raiders offensive tackle Kwame Harris will appear in San Mateo County Superior Court today on charges he assaulted his former boyfriend during an argument over soy sauce and underwear. Harris, 30, is charged with felony counts of domestic violence causing great bodily injury and assault with force likely to produce great bodily injury. The man, Dimitri Geier, is also suing Harris civilly for assault, battery, false imprisonment, negligence and both intentional and negligent infliction of emotional distress. Harris and his alleged victim had been in a romantic relationship but were no longer involved when they met at Su Hong restaurant in Menlo Park. Harris was to drive Geier to San Francisco International Airport but instead became upset when he poured soy sauce on a plate of rice. The men argued for approximately seven minutes and Harris said he would no longer take Geier to the airport. As the men left to remove Geier’s belongings from Harris’ car so that he could instead take a cab, Harris tried pulling the other man’s pants down and accused him of stealing his underwear. Geier unsuccessfully tried pushing Harris away but the bigger man shook him violently and punched him in the arms. Police reports list Harris as 6 feet 7 inches and 240 pounds while Geier is 6 feet 1 inch and 220. Geier allegedly hit Harris three times in the face but Harris “seemed only to grow more agitated” and punched him in the face several times until he fell. Geier had surgery to repair broken orbital bones and required a metal plate to repair the damage.
You know what’s crazy? Sex is supposedly the best thing on Earth outside of maybe Oreos & milk…yet it ruins everything. Sex with random sluts gets you herpes. Sex with the same chick on the regular gets you married. Sex with another broad while you’re married costs you half your dough. Sex could make you unplanned parents with some drunk girl you met once for the rest of your life, and apparently sex can get your gay face rearranged.
I always thought being gay sounded awesome…up until the whole “some dude’s dick anywhere near me” part. Fucking aside, it’s a no-brainer – you’d always rather hang out with your buddies than do anything with your girl. I bet that’s how Kwame & Dimitri started. Just ordering Chinese all the time, playing video games, watching football, ragging on each other all day – basically like college roommates. No PMS. No spiteful shit. No drama. Then they fucked, and it was all downhill. Even after they broke up, they’re still getting together to ruin each other’s meals with soy sauce & fight over stolen underwear. Pretty much exactly what went down when I dumped my last girlfriend. I guess being gay ain’t all it’s cracked up to be after all.