[WSBTV] Authorities say someone stole nearly $19,000 worth of Girl Scout cookies from a warehouse in Spartanburg. Investigators said more than 5,000 boxes of Thin Mints and Shortbread cookies were taken sometime this week from Carey Moving and Storage where they were being kept before they were to be sold at cookie booths in 22 counties across the state. Storage company owner Brian Carey says the theft breaks his heart. He has helped store cookies for the Girl Scouts for more than 40 years. Carey says he will help any Girl Scout troop affected by the loss by ordering more cookies if needed.
I don’t even know why the Shortbread ones are being included in the total. Those are second to last on the Girl Scout cookie totem pole. The only thing that matters here is how many Thin Mints this motherfucker got. I call him “motherfucker” out of jealousy, because this reminds me of how two little bitches rolled me last week when I was trying to be a good guy. Proof that nice guys finish last with broads of any age.
I ran into these two kids slinging cookies by the entrance of a Home Depot. Told them I’d buy some when I came back out – true to my word, I did. After they told me the goods were $4 a pop, I forked over a $20 and told them to give me their five favorites from the six choices. Now everybody knows the pecking order. It’s Samoas & Thin Mints as the clear bests, followed by the two peanut butter options, then the stupid shortbread & lemon cookies nobody wants. I knew right off the bat I’d be getting a shitty box, and I was OK with it. I just knew I was getting Samoas & Thin Mints, and that’s a win. Except these twats didn’t give me Thin Mints. That’s right. Just left them completely out of the top 5. Sent me home with both shortbreads & the lemon ones I wouldn’t give to my dogs. Pretty sure the lemon ones were the first box they grabbed. Not because they’re delicious, but because they found a sucker to unload a box to. In hindsight, I should’ve Dikembe Mutombo’d the box out of her hand, but I was just caught off-guard that chicks are programmed to be cunts even at 7. Fuck me.