[The Smoking Gun] A corrections officer has been charged with providing a 22-year-old female inmate with homemade chocolate chip cookies in exchange for sexual contact. According to a probable cause affidavit, Abner Canda–a 58-year-old guard at the county jail in Everett, Washington–engaged in several sexual interations with the inmate, who is only identified by the initials “C.D.” The woman told investigators that, “I showed him my breasts, willingly for some food” last May. After being released from the jail, she returned to the lockup in October and soon had another illicit encounter with the married Canda, who began working as a corrections officer in 2007. Canda, the inmate said, came to her room in mid-November and “kissed me and touched my breasts and also put his hand down my pants and placed his finger inside of [my vagina],” according to the Superior Court affidavit. On a subsequent occasion, Canda performed oral sex on “C.D.” The inmate told police that, “in exchange for the aforementioned sexual favors, Defendant gave her homemade chocolate chip cookies.” “C.D.” said that she decided to tell investigators about her encounters with Canda because she felt “guilty for doing what I did,” adding that, “I’m ashamed for my actions that’s why I’m saying something.” In light of “C.D.”’s claims, detectives spoke with other female inmates, “at least two of whom suggested that they…had sexual contact” with Canda. One of the women “even claimed that she had been, in her words, ‘dating’ Defendant while an inmate.”
Here’s example #29386470213847 of how impossible it is to please a chick. What more could C.D. want? She’s locked up in county jail, relegated to cafeteria slop & dykes until along comes Abner Canda. The consummate giver. Not only is this dude having his wife whip up fresh cookies for her, he’s not even making her touch his dick. Getting finger-popped while tossing some Toll House down the hatch is as good as it gets for a broad behind bars – but “as good as it gets” is never good enough.
It’s the same in the free world too though. Start dating a chick long enough and whatever swept her off her feet won’t cut it anymore. You looked good enough to get her number, but now those same clothes mean you dress like a bum. You take her out to dinner every week, but now “we never do anything”. Your “awesome” friends are now losers. She cheered louder than you when you took her to those Mets games, but now she won’t fuck you because you checked your phone for an update on Santana’s no-no at her friend’s wedding. Just hypothetical examples, but you know what I mean. It’s never enough under any circumstances. So before you say ol’ Abner should’ve known better, he probably does. But pussy is pussy, and pussy gets us all in the end.