Posts Tagged ‘assault’

[Denver]  A Denver police officer arrested in the beating of his girlfriend claimed that she attacked him with a Justin Bieber doll. Officer Michael Nuanes, Jr., 37, said that his girlfriend hurled a Barbie-sized Justin Bieber doll at him, injuring his foot. He also accused the girlfriend of kicking him, biting his finger and choking him, according to an Adams County sheriff detective’s sworn statement supporting an arrest warrant. “Michael Nuanes stated that (his girlfriend) had thrown a ‘Barbie Doll’ at him, which bruised his foot and (said) that it hurt,” the affidavit said. “Nuanes pointed out a ‘Justin Bieber’ doll, which was the item used to injure him.” The 42-year-old girlfriend accused Nuanes of pulling her hair out and punching her in the ribs, the affidavit said. The girlfriend also said that Nuanes kicked in the locked door of a bathroom where she had taken refuge and then he hit her over the head and back with part of the broken door. At one point, the girlfriend used her cellphone to videotape Nuanes trying to drag her off a bed and the officer used his cellphone to make an audio recording of their argument, the affidavit said. Deputes arrested Nuanes without incident at the Denver Police Department on Jan. 27, according to court records. He faces domestic violence-related charges, including misdemeanor assault causing injury, property damage and obstructing telephone service. He was released from jail on $1,500 bond. Denver police spokesman Lt. Matt Murray said Nuanes has been assigned to desk duty because he is prohibited from carrying a gun under a protection order issued in the domestic violence case.

Motherfucking Bieber.  Listen, I don’t advocate slapping chicks around & beating them over the head with bathroom doors.  But I’m not gonna say there’s NEVER a reason to do so – and I’d like to ask you all not to judge Michael Nuanes unless you’ve actually been around a Justin Bieber doll.   (more…)


[CBS] UNION, S.C. (AP) — Union police say a 53-year-old woman has been arrested after she attacked her nephew because he used her toilet paper. Authorities said they were called to a home Tuesday night by a 27-year-old man who said his aunt threw an ash tray at him that missed, then punched him in the face and pulled his hair. The man told officers that Linda Johnson was angry because he used the toilet paper she bought. Police say Johnson was sitting on the porch at the home and told officers she was ready to be taken to jail. Johnson was charged with assault and battery. It wasn’t clear if she had an attorney.

Um, I don’t mean to state the obvious, but Linda did absolutely nothing wrong here. Anyone who’s ever sat on a bowl and emptied their intestines only to look over and see a cardboard tube hanging where the Charmin should be knows that. Nothing worse than sitting there with a moist asshole and your pants around your ankles feeling totally helpless. What do you do? (more…)

[Peterborough]  A 35-year-old man who sexually assaulted a 16-year-old girl while wearing a Winnie the Pooh costume got 90 days in jail Thursday. Ryan Short pleaded guilty in Ontario Court of Justice at an earlier date to two counts of sexual assault. Short made aggressive advances on the teenage employee of a local store on two occasions – Dec. 9 and Oct. 31. On the later occasion, while wearing the Halloween costume, Short entered the store intoxicated, fondled the girl and made her touch his crotch, court heard. Mr. Justice Rhys Morgan allowed Short to serve his sentence on weekends.

Just think about the logistics of this story.  Because a drunk dude decked out in a Pooh costume grabbing some underage titty & coaxing her into a cock tug might be the least bizarre part of it.  You’re telling me there’s a place in America where there’s a store in the middle of nowhere that is run by a 16 year-old by herself?  Has to be the case here.  Otherwise, how does a 6′ blitzed cartoon bear walk into any establishment unnoticed let alone able to execute what must have been sloppy harassment on a high school broad without a single deterrent?   (more…)

[KCCI]  Des Moines police said woman living on the 1400 block of East 9th Street was assaulted with a bratwurst Monday night after refusing to fight with a homeless woman. Connie Jones, 63, told police that she got into a verbal argument in her home with Tajuana Banks, 31, over the childcare of her granddaughter. Jones stated that Banks regularly visits her home and tries to spark physical altercations. In this instance, Banks repeatedly yelled profanities at Jones in an attempt to get her to fight, according to the police report. Police said Jones kept her cool and refused to fight, until Banks picked up a nearby bratwurst and hurled it at the victim’s chest. Police documented grease marks on Jones’ clothing for the police report. Jones called police because Banks refused to leave the apartment and Jones feared that the violence would escalate. Officers arrested Banks on a charge of simple assault, according to the report. Police said that while leaving the apartment, Banks yelled that she would do it again if provided an opportunity.

This is the most bizarro-world story I have ever read.  OK, so Tijuana or whatever her name is swings by every now and then to pick a fight…and you let her in?  Was the thought process something like, “God dammit it’s that smelly spic bitch from the sidewalk again…heeyyyyy, T, how are you?  Come on in, I was just whipping up a sausage!”?   (more…)

[Courthouse News]  Pamela Ford says her “mentally challenged/handicapped” son Jesse Kersey, 17, was riding his bike near his Dayton home when Officer Willie Hooper stopped him and tried to talk to him. Hooper “apparently took Jesse’s speech impediment for disrespect … [and] began yelling at Jesse and after Jesse attempted to communicate with him[.] Jesse, being a minor and mentally challenged/handicapped, turned and rode his bike back to his home in an attempt to ask his mother, Ford, to help him communicate with defendant Cooper,” according to the complaint in Montgomery County Court. As Ford opened her front door, she says, Hooper and co-defendant Officer John Howard, “fired their Tasers, striking Jesse in the back with both probes.” “Once inside the house, defendant Hooper and defendant Howard began to struggle with Jesse, who was standing against the back door with his hands up in front of his face, saying ‘Please quit, please quit.’ “Officer Howard utilized his Cap-Stun pepper spray and sprayed Jesse … [and] struck Jesse with a closed fist in the upper chest area. “Officer Howard utilized his ASP and repeatedly struck Jesse in the upper left side of his left thigh. “Back-up units were requested to Jesse’s house, wherein upward of 20 police officers from different jurisdictions were present. “Jesse was charged with assault on a peace officer, resisting arrest, and obstructing official business.” However, “Jesse was declared incompetent by the Montgomery County Juvenile Court and the charges against Jesse were dismissed.” Jesse and his mom seek damages from the city and the two lead officers, for false imprisonment, false arrest, malicious prosecution, assault, battery, excessive use of force, infliction of emotional distress and civil conspiracy.

It took me a couple of tries to figure out exactly what was going on here. I just couldn’t see the justification for the officers’ actions. I mean, we’ve all had our fun picking on retards, they’re an easy target. But normally you just call them Corky, ask if they’ve seen your baseball, everyone gets a chuckle and you call it a day. (more…)

[TSG] JUNE 30–Angered that her grandson ate too much bacon at breakfast, a 63-year-old woman chased the boy out of her Pennsylvania home and pinned him down on the front lawn, where she blasted him in the face with a garden hose, police allege.

Marilee Ann Kolynych was busted Tuesday evening on endangering the welfare of children, simple assault, harassment, and disorderly conduct charges. Her grandson, 9, was not injured during the attack.

In a Clifton Heights Police Department report, Officer James Press noted that the child “stated that he had been getting tortured by his grandmother…all day for an incident that took place during breakfast.” According to Press, the matter involved the child consuming more bacon than anyone else, which angered Kolynych.

A witness told Press that Kolynych chased her grandson around the yard before throwing him to the ground and “sitting on top of him beating him on his legs and spraying water at very close range into [the boy’s] face.” The child told cops that “the nozzle setting was on full blast.”

Tough for me to pick sides on this one. On one hand, I’m not much of a fan of torture and waterboarding a 9 year old seems a bit excessive. I’m not even sure Dick Cheney would condone that type of activity if it were happening right in Gitmo. Poor kid was just doing what kids do, eat their parents out of house and home. It’s just part of growing up as an active boy. But on the other hand, we’re talking about bacon here. (more…)

[CNN]  Being attacked in the courthouse was the last thing Catherine Scott-Gonzalez expected when she showed up for the final hearing in her divorce case. She continued to recover from a broken nose and a fractured jaw after being beaten by her estranged husband in a judge’s chambers. The proceeding that took place Friday in Broward County Circuit Court Judge Ronald Rothschild’s chambers was the last hearing in the divorce of Scott-Gonzalez and her husband of about five years, Paul Gonzalez. When the issue of child support was brought up Gonzalez — acting as his own attorney — decided to leave the room, according to Michael Dunleavy, the attorney for Scott-Gonzalez. The couple, both former Marines, are the parents of two young children. “He went calmly,” remembered Judge Rothschild, “not happily, but calmly walked out of chambers, took one step out of the door, then in a blink of an eye — I mean literally one step — he came back in.” Upon returning, Gonzalez suddenly started punching his estranged wife. “It was from behind, I was blindsided, I was knocked out after the first punch,” said Scott-Gonzalez. A bailiff was not in the room at the time. The judge said if he had had any indication that Gonzalez was violent, he would have had security in his chambers. Scott-Gonzalez said in the past, she had twice sought restraining orders against her estranged husband but both attempts had been denied. “My lawyer was sitting right next to me, which thank God he was, because he literally saved my life,” said Scott-Gonzalez. Dunleavy said he just reacted by restraining Gonzalez. when he saw his client being hit repeatedly. Dunleavy said the judge hit a panic button and several deputies converged on the room, subduing and arresting Gonzalez. Gonzalez has been charged with a felony battery resulting in great bodily harm, and resisting arrest. He is currently being held on $1 million bond. “The only response I can give her is I go into that courtroom anticipating that I am going to be equally as safe,” said Judge Rothschild.

Whoops.  Tough for Judge Rothschild to expect any violence from an ex-Marine representing himself in divorce court who’s had two restraining orders sought against him, I guess.  There were barely any signs.  I mean it’s only a divorce proceeding – history suggests they all go smoothly with cooperative good faith from both sides.  No bad blood whatsoever and no chance of a confrontation of any kind, especially when it’s time to broach a subject as amicable as child support.  Good call, Judge Rothschild. Excellent display of your foresight & decision-making.  “Hey bailiff, you can sit this one out.  Go rock some Angry Birds over at the security desk or something.”  Equally as impressive is your level of empathy. “The only response I can give her is I go into that courtroom anticipating that I am going to be equally as safe,” – that’s all you got?  Catherine’s mug looks like it should be hanging at Shamrock Meats after a Rocky Balboa training session, and all you can say is “if it’s any consolation, I expect to be safe too”?  What an asshole.  I wonder if Michael Dunleavy’s eyes actually displayed dollar signs after seeing his client gounded-and-pounded unconscious on the floor of a US court of law…