Posts Tagged ‘bear’



Just so it’s on record, if I’m ever being attacked by a bear and you’re in the house watching, here’s a list of things I’d like you to try and find… kind of like a living will for bear attacks: (more…)

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[Seattle Times] Canadian conservation officers have euthanized a black bear which they think ate the remains of a convicted murderer. British Columbia Environment Minister Terry Lake said Monday the bear’s description matched that of one seen guarding a cache that contained human remains. Lake says the animal was put down because bears remember food sources. Officials suspect the bear pulled the body of Rory Wagner, 54, from his car after he died on a remote logging road. Wagner pleaded guilty to second-degree murder in 1994. He and two others were charged with a killing a man who they believed had sexually assaulted a family member. He served his prison time and was released. Wagner was reported missing May 23. Police say his death was not suspicious. Hunters found the site last week.

So, in summation, sometime in the 90’s some guy diddled some kid and got off… then got off on the charges. A few family members formed a posse and murdered the dude. One of them plead guilty, went to jail, served his time, was released and died on some road out in the middle of nowhere. Then, a bear who happened to be wandering along, pulled his corpse out of his car and ate some of him. Canadian Mounties then killed the bear who ate the guy who touched the kid. Did I get all that right? Jesus Hopscotching Christ, that’s why I love bear stories so much. (more…)

Nom nom nom

[WFP] A Winnipeg man is recovering from his injuries after a black bear dragged him from an outhouse and attacked him, near Sioux Lookout, Ontario. The attack happened this past Saturday at 6 a.m. at a camping site on Crown land about 60 kilometers north of Sioux Lookout, in Dunbar Lake. Sgt. David Pinchin of OPP Sioux Lookout said the 65-year-old man and his 63-year-old friend were out camping in the area, when the 65-year-old man went to a wooden outhouse and left its door open. A black bear then dragged the man from the outhouse by his arm and shoulder, before biting him on the back of his head and neck. The bear also slashed at his arms, neck and head. The attack lasted about one minute. “His friend heard all the commotion and the yelling and screaming,” said Pinchin. “And his friend came back out and shot the bear and killed it.” The man’s friend shot the bear with a rifle, said Pinchin. The two then drove from Dunbar Lake back towards Sioux Lookout, to where there was cellphone service. The man then went to hospital for treatment. He also went to get a rabies shot, said Pinchin. “He had puncture wounds to the back of his head and neck, and slash marks to his arms and back of the head,” he said. Pinchin said he would do “the exact same thing.” He said police have had a lot of calls about bears in the last couple weeks, but the animals were non-aggressive. “I would fight back and if I had a firearm, I’d kill the bear,” he said. The man’s son told the Free Press it was a terrifying ordeal for his father. “He was on the john… pulled right from the outhouse,” he said. “The bear had him by the shoulder. He’s scratched up pretty bad.”

Yesterday, I had to take a huge shit. When I perched my cheeks on my throne, I reached into my pocket only to realize I left my iPhone on my desk. No Twitter, no Chess with Friends, no iB… just me and my excrements. Aside from that though, I bet getting eaten by a bear is the worst thing that can happen to you while trying to drop the Obamas off at The White House. Credit his friend though. If he were just a dumb, teenaged chick he’d probably waste his time texting his mom about the ordeal. Instead, he manned up and shot the bastard. The journalist in me has to know though… (more…)

[Breitbart] GATLINBURG, Tenn. (AP) – A bear has feasted on pecan logs, caramel apples and other treats at a candy store in the Smoky Mountains resort town Gatlinburg, Tenn. Employees reporting for work found the bear Wednesday morning at the Ole Smoky Candy Kitchen, where the animal apparently had knocked a hole in a glass front door to enter, according to The Mountain Press ( http://bit.ly/orYRBH). Police propped open several back doors and made loud noises, and the bear ran into the woods. The animal had spread candy on the floor, and wrappers and packaging were strewn throughout a back storeroom. Pecan logs had been chewed and chunks were missing out of caramel apples. Bob Miller of the Great Smoky Mountains National Park said bears are active this time of year, searching for food before hibernation.

Well get a load of this fat fuck bear. I’m kind of jealous to be honest. This furry fella gets to stuff his face with an obnoxious amount of free junk food and then nod off for the entire winter. Ain’t that the life? It’s a good thing these lazy bastards sleep for months at a time too. That’s pretty much the only thing stopping them from taking over the world. You’re crazy if you think this cub didn’t (more…)

[NBC]  A man hunting with his grandson accidentally killed a U.S. Marine due to return to duty this week, after mistaking him for a bear in the Oregon wilderness, authorities said. Christopher Ochoa, 20, of French Camp, Calif., died at the scene in western Oregon Friday night. He had been hiking with a friend through a field and was wearing dark clothes, according to The Associated Press. The pair were headed to Silver Creek Falls Park. Gene Collier, who was hunting bear with his 12-year-old grandson saw movement in the brush and fired one shot from a .270-caliber rifle, striking Ochoa, the Marion County Sheriff’s Office said. His pal was able to summon authorities and direct them to the scene. Although deputies administered first aid to Ochoa, who was alive when they arrived, he died at the scene. Collier, 67, hasn’t been charged and authorities said the shooting appeared to be accidental. Still, the case was handed over to the local district attorney’s office. A press release from the sheriff’s office said Collier cooperated fully with authorities, and there was no indication that he was impaired by drugs or alcohol. Ochoa’s family in California told police he and Raymond Westrom, 53, of Lathrop, Calif., were in Salem, Oregon, to do work on a house. Ochoa was set to report back for duty on Oct. 25.

It’s like I’ve said a thousand times by now, it’s just not a good idea to hunt for bears. Sometimes they eat you, sometimes they electrocute you and sometimes you accidentally shoot and kill a 20 year old U.S. Marine about to head back to the desert to fight for your second amendment rights to accidentally shoot someone. This is exactly why I never fucked around in the woods during hunting season when I was a kid, and I loved playing in the woods. Tree forts, bmx jumps, man hunt, boobie traps, sneaking off to drink beer I swiped from family parties. You name it. But once I saw people start roaming around with orange vests and Elmer Fudd hats, (more…)

[WTSP] LIVINGSTON, Mont. – Authorities say a bow hunter in southern Montana suffered serious injuries from an electric shock when he used a knife to poke a dead bear that was lying on live wires. The Park County Sheriff’s Office says Edward Garcia came across the bear carcass Sunday in the Beattie Gulch area north of Gardiner. The shock from poking the carcass caused injuries to Garcia’s torso, head and hands. The sheriff’s office says Garcia walked two miles to find help. He was flown to a burn center in Salt Lake City. Garcia’s condition wasn’t immediately clear. Sheriff’s Office Lt. Tom Totland tells the Livingston Enterprise that he does not know where Garcia is from. The sheriff’s office says NorthWestern Energy has turned off power to the line.

Seriously, when are people going to learn to stop fucking with bears? We’re obviously no match for them. Even when they’re dead, they can still kick some human ass. Probably the last thing this bear did is laid himself down over a power line because he knew (more…)

[UPI]  Florida wildlife authorities said they were on the hunt for a black bear accused of breaking into a home and stealing a birthday cake. The Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission said the bear broke into a Macclenny home at 2 a.m. Monday and made off with food items including the cake, The (Jacksonville) Florida Times-Union reported Wednesday. Commission spokeswoman Karen Parker said a biologist dispatched to the scene Tuesday found a well-used trail behind the home strewn with garbage and the remains of the cake. Parker said wildlife officials, who are familiar with the bear from a research project it was involved with, are baiting traps with cupcakes in an attempt to capture and euthanize the animal. “Relocating this bear is not an option,” Parker said. “Public safety is our No. 1 concern. When we catch it, we will euthanize it. We do not want the bear entering another house.”

They want to kill Yogi here because he ate a kids birthday cake? Damn, tough crowd. You don’t have to be a bear to steal a cake (not that it hurts though), so would they send out the lynch mob if a person stole some sweets too? For me, the answer to that really comes down to what kind of cake it was. (more…)