Posts Tagged ‘Royal Wedding’



We’ve all been there. A few drinks deep, conversations going down roads they normally don’t. A question comes up that seems innocent at first… like, “Do you think my sister’s ass is nicer than mine?” Everything freezes for a moment. You can hear your inner monologue debating the best course of action. I should be honest, she’ll understand that I didn’t marry her for her rump. We’re in love. Then… No, no, no. That’s a terrible idea. She’s a women and no matter how rational my answer is, there’s still a decent chance she’ll bite my lip off or spray paint my car. Tick, tock, tick tock. Split second decision and you decide to go with honesty. BUZZZZZ. Wrong move. Sorry Prince William. You’re probably a stand-up guy and all, but you never say to Kate’s face that Pippa has a better behind.

PS – The only way to save any face here is to spray paint “yes” right after it, right? I mean, your car is fucked and your girl is pissed. Not like it can get much worse. Hopefully he’s on his way to the hardware store to buy a nice can of red.

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It’s good to be the future King.

DENVER, N.C. — A man is facing more than a dozen charges after leading deputies on a chase in Lincoln and Gaston counties. According to the Lincoln County Sheriff’s Office, 31-year-old Dion Torrence was driving a moped and refused to stop for an officer on Highway 16 Saturday night. Torrence drove the moped into Gaston County and then crashed near Macedonia Baptist Church on Stanley Lucia Road. Torrence jumped from the moped and ran, but a deputy tracked him down near the church. Torrence is facing several charges, including felony cocaine possession, resisting a public officer, careless and reckless driving and speeding. He was being held in jail under a $25,000 bond.

Are these the same coppers that couldn’t stop that old bag in the McDonalds drivethru? Or maybe they don’t teach moped chasing in the academy? Well, it just so happens that I’m somewhat of an expert on this subject. Me and my friends used to spend a lot of time cruising around on our bikes back in the day. Just bunny hopping curbs and jumping off make shift ramps all day every day. I had sick white mags and pegs on the front and back for doing rad freestyle tricks. I used to take apart and build bikes from scratch all the time. Point is, I know a thing or two about two wheelers, and I most certainly know how to make them stop. I’ve dabbled in disabling peddlers in my day. Here are the three things I’d suggest trying next time you’re trying to catch a moped bandit.

3 – Fishing line across the street. I’ve only done this one once, mostly because we almost decapitated one of my friends when we did it. I think he still has the scar. Shit works though. Use it as a last resort.

2 – Large branches across the street. I used to live in an enclosed development and we actually used this technique to barricade a road one time. Of course our first victim happened to be a patrol car of the private police that canvassed the neighborhood. That officer was not very happy and definitely did not appreciate all the hard work that went into our beaver dam across the street. We spent a good portion of that afternoon peddling our little asses off to hide from that guy.

1 – Stick in the spokes. This one is so obvious and basic that I’m almost embarrassed to even include it. It’s easy to pull off and 100% effective. Why these cops wasted their time chasing this guy around when they could have just tossed a baton in his spokes is beyond me. Maybe I’m just smarter, I don’t know. Bottom line, no way a guy should be able to take police on a joyride through two different counties when are so many ways to take his scooter out of commission.