Has There Ever Been a Cartoon That Had a Better Day Than This Cartoon Cat in the History of Cartoons?

I think this might be NSFW but there’s no way to really tell for sure.

[TDW]

Is This Jorge Posada’s Last Year in Pinstripes?

[NY Post] “I feel like I can keep playing, I feel like I can still contribute,” Posada told The Post yesterday.

“That’s the toughest one,” Posada said of the possibility of moving to another team. “I really don’t want to go anywhere else. I would like to stay here.”

If the Yankees closed the door on him, though, and Posada still thought he could contribute, he said he would look to other teams.

“I would, if it’s the right situation,” he explained. “It’s got to be the right situation.”

It’s sad to think about, but the end of an era is coming closer and closer every day. Pettitte has already trotted off into the sunset, and it doesn’t seem like his battery mate is too far behind. Jorge has accepted his new role as DH gracefully and is already beginning to broach the topic of free-agency after the 2011 season. Whether or not he plays for the Yankees, or on a MLB squad at all, obviously depends on how he hits this season. Posada was always known for his bat more than his defense and can probably extend his career as a DH like many aging players have done before him. But with scouts already saying that stud prospect Jesus Montero is destined to become a full-time DH, there’s some doubt about whether or not Jorge will have a spot on the Yankees roster in 2012. Brian Cashman has made it pretty clear that he wants to keep sentiment out of the negotiation room and do what’s best for the Yankees as a team and as a business. Still though, it’s going to be a sad day when Jorge Posada has to turn in his pinstripes, whether it’s due to free-agency or retirement. And then there were two.

Wait. . .God has a wife? So was he committing adultery also when he knocked up Mary with baby Jesus?

[Huffington Post] “Early versions of the Bible apparently featured a fertility godess, Asherah, who may have been God’s wife, at least according to one British theologian.”

That God guy is one sly son of a bitch. It’s been roughly, what, 6,000 years that the world has been around? That’s if you believe in the bible of course, more like a few hundred million if you’re educated. Regardless, either one is a long time to just be finding out about his wife now. How pissed do you think Mary is? She’s been living a lie for over 2000 years… just keeping up this immaculate conception charade so she doesn’t have to confess to Joseph that she was schtooping the Almighty on the side. Then one day she’s just scrolling through Huffington Post on her macbook pro and comes across this article only to find out God had a wife the whole time. What a dick. Can’t really blame Mary for lying about it though, God has to have the biggest pecker in the universe, right? I mean, if you’re creating man there’s no way you’re giving anyone a bigger schlong than you have. No way Joseph can compete with that. Mary was doing him a favor by keeping him in the dark.

Wifey on the other hand must have found out. It’s the only explanation of why we’ve never heard of her. 33 years after God’s affair, she sees a booty text from Mary on God’s droid, goes all psycho (as women do), kills his bastard son and causes all sorts of plagues and what not. God divorces her and totally writes her out of the bible. It’s a tale as old as time, literally.

Girl With Defected Legs Starts A Game For Her School Basketball Team Before Having Her Leg Amputated

VIDEO

For Alyssia Crook — who will soon undergo surgery to remove her leg — getting a chance to recently start, steal and score on her school basketball team was an ultimate wish fulfilled.

Crook, who goes to Baldwin Middle School in western Michigan, was born with defects to her legs, reports the Grand Rapids Press. When her parents adopted her from a Russian orphanage at five years old, she walked on the balls of her feet.

After years of surgeries and trips to the specialists, doctors recently told her parents they either had to shorten her legs or amputate the more severely affected one.

This is a heartwarming story and all, but it’s pretty obvious why this girl got cut from the basketball team. Calm down, it has nothing to do with her legs. Look at her just hurl those shots toward the basket. It’s a totally awkward shooting motion. If she plans on having any future in wheelchair basketball, she’s going to have to work on her jump shot – or wheel shot, whatever. I remember in elemenary school we had a gym teacher named Big Mac. No idea what his real name was but he was a towering, balding, bearded Mic. He taught us how to play basketball and talked about his glory days on the court, throwing down alleyoops and what have you. Some kids started asking if he could dunk and he told us he used to be able to but now he has a bad back so he can’t. Well fifth graders don’t know what it means to have a bad back so we started egging him on. “Big Mac, Big Mac, Big Mac”. He kept trying to rationalize with us but we just started chanting louder and louder “Big Mac, Big Mac”, until he finally got so mad that his face turned red and he said “FINE”. Well, that poor old bastard went up for the dunk, got stuffed by the rim, landed all cockeyed and was hobbling around for a week. It’s in the top 25 of my childhood memories, I’m seriously giggling to myself as I type it out. What does that have to do with wheelchair basketball? Not a damn thing. But another thing I remember Big Mac saying is that you should hold the ball like a waiter holding a tray of food over his shoulder when you’re shooting. Thats about the extent of my basketball knowledge right there but I think its enough to help Alyssia here take her game to the next level.

 

The Cheesecake Factory Has a Science Lab To Test Foreign Objects Customers Find In Their Food?

UPI – An Arizona restaurant said an object found in a man’s food is not a condom as he claimed, but rather part of the finger from a vinyl glove. The Cheesecake Factory in Scottsdale said the object Scott Turner found in his Dynamite Shrimp appetizer two weeks ago was part of a vinyl glove and not a condom, as Turner originally identified it, KNXV-TV, Phoenix, reported Wednesday. “We were made aware of a guest complaint involving a foreign particle in their food. The object was sent to our lab for testing, which verified that it was most definitely NOT a condom, but rather a piece of a company-issued vinyl glove,” a restaurant representative said Tuesday. Turner said he posted photos of the item to his Facebook page and the social networking site deleted his account when the Cheesecake Factory complained. He said Facebook officials told him he had violated a policy against “that infringes or violates someone else’s rights or otherwise violates the law.” “I’m looking for a more considerate apology and some type of compensation. That’s just not how you treat customers,” Turner said.

Shut your lying mouth, restaurant representative.  The Cheesecake Factory has a fucking LAB to test random shit found in food that’s intricate enough to determine whether something is a rubber hand glove or a rubber dick glove? Like there’s a room with a bunch of white-robed Asians, microscopes & chemistry sets all tagged with the Cheesecake Factory logo pulling fingers, hair and latex out of evidence bags?  Bullshit.  Don’t piss in my bowl and tell me it’s the soup of the day.  I’m not buying it…but this does raise an interesting question.  Would you rather find a prophylactic or a mitt in your meal?  OK let’s modify that – an unused condom or a used glove?  Yeah a jimmy hat’s a jimmy hat but a used latex glove is pretty god damn gross.  Sweaty, probably some hand hair or fingernail crust inside.  Nasty.  Call me weird but I think I’d prefer my chewy mouthful to be coated with some desensitizing lube instead.

Is This Writer The Biggest Dick In All of Sports and is This The Worst Article He’s Ever Written?

 

I first saw mention of this Marcus Thames piece on River Ave. Blues and didn’t think much of it. Just kind of scrolled through to see how camp was going, how the rotation candidates were doing, the usual. Then I saw a tweet from Curtis Granderson, 3 of them actually, coming to the defense of Thames. Anyone who knows anything about Granderson knows that he’s pretty much the stereotypical all-American good guy, so seeing him being even the slightest bit confrontational caught my attention. Still though, I’ve read negative articles before – ones that could be considered character assassinations on guys like Barry Bonds. No big deal. I have to say though, as I read it my jaw dropped to the floor. It’s unlike any article I’ve ever read, and certainly not in a good way. I’ve never heard of TJ Simers before but a quick Google search revealed that this is kind of his M.O. He pretty much acts like a complete douche bag in order to stir up controversy and get juicy quotes. Kind of like, no, exactly like the paparazzi. He disguises this technique by calling it “provocative” in his LA Times bio. A few snippets:

According to Dodgers’ propaganda, this no-name thumper hits a home run every 15.58 at-bats — ranking him 27th in baseball history. Yowza!

Now you would think anyone ranked 27th in baseball history in anything would be a household name, but in his own clubhouse no one seems quite sure how to pronounce his name.

First of all, I thought anyone who is even slightly more than a casual baseball fan knew who Marcus Thames was. No? Secondly, who cares how you say his name? How is that relevant to anything at all? How do you pronounce Simers? Does it rhyme with timers or trimmers? It doesn’t matter, I don’t care. Pretty condescending stuff in there, but it gets better:

Ordinarily I don’t like to start off a week talking to stiffs, but that leaves so few Dodgers to interview these days.

And besides, the Dodgers have assured me this stiff is different from all the others they have lined up to play left field.

Typical of print guys to talk all tough while hiding behind their keyboards. Imagine if he was that much of a dick to his face though? Oh, wait:

“Are you that horrible on defense that teams don’t think it’s worth playing such a home run threat?” I asked by way of introduction.

Maybe somebody else wastes time schmoozing with Tims/Tems, but he’s a one-year rental who has some explaining to do. How bad are you on defense that teams don’t dare risk playing you?

Tims/Tems just smiled.

I asked again, because I remember my dealings with Lofton, who would never answer the first question. Eventually he would, while also complaining, “You never write down what I say.”

I always told him the same thing. “You’re boring, but I come back hoping one day you might say something of interest.”

That’s how you introduce yourself? You kidding me? You realize that’s a human being you’re talking to right? This character assassination attempt probably backfires a little on Simers (like timers)/Simers (like trimmers) because a lesser man would have clocked TJ right there. Thames took the high road by smiling and walking away and really solidifies the impression that most people have of him being a pretty stand up and decent person. Simers, however, sees it differently:

All he would have had to say was, “It’s now a Dodgers tradition to play left fielders who can’t play defense,” and everyone would have gotten one last laugh at Manny’s expense.

Or, he could have said it’s all part of GM Ned Colletti’s master plan to get the team ready for the World Series when the Dodgers will require a DH. Or, he could have said, “Plaschke wanted Bynum traded, but I was with Page 2 all the way.”

Instead he curled up into a ball, and I didn’t even ask him about his anemic .248 lifetime batting average.

This is probably my favorite part. Thames is a standoffish guy because he refused to answer the honest question of a poor little journalist just trying to do his job and get the story so his editor doesn’t berate him when he gets back to the office with nothing to print. It has everything to do with a spoiled, privileged professional athlete and nothing to do with a crusty old hack asking an already insulting question in the most condescending manner imaginable. All he would have had to say, TJ? Seriously? All you had to do was ask the question with a little more tact and you would have gotten that answer you were looking for. Only that’s not the answer you were looking for, was it? You know it, I know it. What you were looking for is exactly what you got, exactly what you set out to do. A totally unnecessary attempt at a character assassination and a clubhouse controversy brewed out of thin air.

Simers calls himself provocative, but when I think “provocative”, I think controversial but thought provoking. Asking tough questions but getting necessary answers. This is none of that. This entire piece is uncomfortable to read and doesn’t contain a single redeeming quality. I learned nothing from this article. I questioned nothing other than the LA Times. This is not provocative. It’s a cheap trick to stir up controversy and drive readers to the LA Times site (or to buy the hardcopy if people still actually do that). The LA Times doesn’t care if you’re reading it because you enjoy it, or because you’re pissed off. They only care that there are eyeballs on their pages, catching glimpses of their ads. It’s tabloid “journalism” and, sadly, it works.