Posts Tagged ‘jesus’

[Telegraph] Three separate photographs of “Ecce Homo” by painter Elias Garcia Martinez show extensive damage caused by an elderly woman who decided the masterpiece needed a little refurbishment. But in a time of austerity, rather than calling in a professional to complete the job, the unnamed woman attempted to restore the mural herself – at a devastating cost. The result was a botched repair where the intricate brush strokes of Martinez were replaced with a haphazard splattering of the octogenarian’s paint. Years of carefully calculated depth of expression simply washed out by copious amounts of red and brown. The damage was discovered after the 19th century painter’s granddaughter made a donation to the Centro de Estudios Borjanos in Borja, Spain, a couple of weeks ago. The Centro holds an archive of regional religious paintings with regularly-updated photographs. After receiving the donation, employees at the Centro went to check on the mural at the church of Santuario de Misericodia only to find it drastically altered. An original photograph of the painting taken in 2010, shows only minimal deterioration with Jesus crowned in thorns clearly visible in the portrait. There is slight white speckling across the piece. Large white patches appear in a second photograph of the painting taken in July this year, possibly scrubbed off as the octogenarian began her project. A final photograph reveals a portrait transformed beyond recognition. The amateur restorer said she had undertaken the project “with good intentions” but, as culture councillor Juan Maria de Ojeda said, “she had gotten out of hand”. The restoration work was completed without permission.

Damage? Devastation? Ruined it? What are you crazy? Looks like an improvement to me. In the first one I see a picture of JC… so what? Seen it before… moving on. With the second, I laugh uncontrollably. Isn’t the point of art to invoke some emotion? Well, with the original, my emotion is “Meh. Another painting of Christ. Who cares.” But I keep coming back for more Monkey Jesus. I love it. There are probably a thousand paintings of JC per block in Spain. I bet you can’t walk 10 yards without seeing one. But how many Jesus/Planet of the Apes hybrid paintings are there? That’s right. One. I doubt anyone gives a shit about all the others. You’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all. But anyone with an internet connection has now seen this blob face Christ. It’s famous. I’d honestly be willing to bet that people will now actually go out of their way to see this fresco. You think they’d do that if it were just restored by some decent painter? It’s pretty obvious to me that this unnamed woman made the value of this painting skyrocket. So don’t listen to all the critics, unnamed elderly woman. No real artist gets any respect until after they’re dead anyway. Luckily for you, sounds like you won’t have to wait too long.

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Jesus is just the worst. You ever have that friend that helped you move one time and never lets you hear the end of it? He showed up late, pretty much just bullsitted with your other buddies most of the time and ate all the bagels. Probably only moved like a box or two before he said he had to bail. But any time he needs something, he’s got to bring it up and throw it in your face… even though it was like three years ago. Well, that’s kind of like Jesus. Yeah dude, we get it. We were just a bunch of sinners and degenerates until you graced us with your presence, eating bread and drinking wine all day with your band of merry men. Then you decided to make the ultimate sacrifice for us… but let’s all admit, it was a half assed job to begin with. Three days later, you just rose from the dead anyway. Way to stay committed. Couldn’t even last the weekend. Besides, it didn’t even work. It’s not like we’re living in some perfect Utopia where we fly on unicorns and poop smells like rainbows. The place is a dump. We’re still sinners and deviants. Yet, here we are… 2000 years later and we still have to hear about this shit… again. And just like the friend that helped you move that one time, he hasn’t even shown his face once ever since. Unless you count all those pieces of toast he’s always popping up on.

[Cincinnati]  A Waynesville High School student sued in federal court Tuesday after school officials refused to let him wear a T-shirt with the slogan “Jesus Is Not A Homophobe.” Maverick Couch wants to wear the shirt in his Warren County school on April 20 to show support for the Day of Silence, a national event that draws attention to the silencing of gay and lesbian students through bullying. Couch’s lawsuit, filed in U.S. District Court in Cincinnati, immediately became part of a decades-long fight over how to balance the First Amendment rights of students and the rights of school administrators to enforce rules and impose discipline. Couch, 17, said he tried to wear the shirt last spring for the Day of Silence and on several other occasions, but school Principal Randy Gebhardt repeatedly rejected his request. School officials could not be reached, but Couch said he was told the shirt was not permitted because it was “indecent and sexual in nature.” His attorney, Christopher Clark, said Couch tried for months to resolve the dispute without going to court, but school officials wouldn’t budge. Clark said administrators initially said the shirt was disruptive and later that it was too religious. He said they now claim it violates rules prohibiting clothing that is indecent or sexual in nature. Couch said he has been the victim of teasing and name-calling at school, but he said any bullying he’s experienced has never become physical. He said he wants to wear the shirt to show support for other gay students who do suffer from severe bullying.

I broke down a similar situation a couple of weeks ago in rather genius fashion, so it’s fair to say I’m a reliable pundit on gays and their First Amendment rights.  In the end, I’m once again going to side with the administration on this one – but for a different reason.  I don’t think the shirt is ‘indecent and sexual in nature’ at all.  I also don’t see how this is supportive of other gay students who are taunted & beat up.  Regardless, I don’t believe Maverick Couch (seriously?) should be allowed to wear this shirt at all – let alone in school.   (more…)

The Rapture was just about to happen. Then suddenly…

“Ohhhhh Nooooooo”. Thank you Macho Man Randy Savage. They say everything happens for a reason and everything has a purpose. Well you were obviously taken from this world to protect us from this punk ass and his rapture. Job well done, and may you now rest in peace.

More Rapture:

[AOL] OAKLAND, Calif. — The hour of the apocalypse came quietly and went the same way – leaving those who believed that Saturday evening would mark the world’s end confused, or more faithful, or just philosophical.

Believers had spent months warning the world of the pending cataclysm. Some had given away earthly belongings. Others took long journeys to be with loved ones. And there were those who drained their savings accounts.

All were responding to the May 21 doomsday message by Harold Camping, an 89-year-old retired civil engineer who has built a multi-million-dollar Christian media empire that publicizes his apocalyptic prediction.

So wait, I’m confused. People actually believed this was going to happen? Like, really happen? I’m talking telling their bosses to fuck off, emptying their kid’s college funds and driving cross country. Well this must be one of the most awkward Mondays they’ve ever had to live through, huh? (more…)

Welp, I’m pretty sure the rest of today is just going to be dedicated to Jesus jokes. Here’s one for you:

What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang a picture of Jesus.

[Global Post More than a dozen people have been nailed to crosses in the Philippines in front of thousands of tourists in a controversial annual event to mark Good Friday. Hundreds more people had their backs whipped until they bled during the grisly religious spectacle re-enacting the crucifixion of Jesus Christ in the town of Cutud, north of Manila. The event, held annually despite the disapproval of church leaders in Asia’s largest Catholic outpost, saw participants flagellated as they marched to a series of crucifixion sites, AFP said. Some participants said they wanted to prove their faith by taking part in the event. Others hoped for success in the jueteng, a popular illegal lottery in the Philippines. “I hope the Lord will grant my wish to make me win big in jueteng this year,” food vendor Alex Laranang, 55, told Reuters as two 5-inch nails were driven into his hands. Construction worker Roli Pantoja, performing his sixth crucifixion, told the news agency: “I feel very fresh, like a new-born baby. I can’t feel any pain.” Rolando Tirona, the bishop of Manila, criticized the event, saying it has lost touch with the Church and “verges towards fundamentalism.” “It’s become commercialized and priests in the area have been helpless to stop the crucifixions,” he told the Jakarta Globe. Those taking part were unapologetic. “If they only respected our panata (sacred vows). This comes from the depths of our heart. We are not showing these off, we have our own beliefs,” Ruben Enaje told AFP before being nailed to the cross for the 25th year in a row.

I’m terrified of religion.  Absolutely, positively petrified.  I kid you not, I’d rather stroll into a Klan rally as Black Dude with a Soul Glo-ed afro, boombox and Black Panthers jacket than step inside any place of worship.  Here’s Exhibit 43862094 as to why.  These people are insane, and I only use “insane” because I don’t know of a word that properly exemplifies the level of insanity here.  Re-enacting the crucifixion of Jesus!?!?!  Jesus fucking H. Christ.  I’m sure Mr. Lord & Savior would be happy to know that his sacrifice is now just a pastime where street vendors climb up & get their hands hung with 5-inch nails in hopes he slides the winning Lotto numbers under the last supper table.  Look at those creepy Phillippino runts just hanging out around massive crosses fighting over who’s turn it is like it’s a god damn see-saw.  And this Roli Pantoja dude with his “I can’t feel any pain”…hey bro that’s called shock, not rebirth.  Proving faith?  You’re just proving idiocy while continuing to scare the ever-living agnostic shit outta me.

Why can’t Jesus eat M&M’s?

They keep falling through the holes in his hands.

[NBC DFW] Crystal Deans, who lives in the Houston area, gave up the life of a stripper to become an exercise instructor and studio owner.

She also became a Christian somewhere along the way and, according to a report from KRIV-TV (Fox 26 in Houston), Deans meshed the three into a kind of Sunday exercise-worship-stripper-move service.

She calls it “Pole Fitness for Jesus” because the exercise — no, no exorcise jokes here, no sir — sessions center on a stripper pole, the one aspect of working in the gentlemen’s entertainment business Deans said she enjoyed.

I had a professor in college who had a sticker on his door that said “Beer and Books: Only in Texas.”  Well, add this to the sicker, “Pole Dancing for Jesus: Only in Texas.”  I mean shit, if there were pole dancers in church; I’d have been putting my entire allowance in the coffers years ago.  Do you think God minds?  Hell no… He took one of our ribs to make women, why not show off that rib and other parts while dancing on a pole for his son?  I am sure he’s a proud omniscient papa.